ADORABLE Wetter than Pamela Anderson's swimming costume. She'll be forever showing you pictures of fluffy kittens on her mobile phone and, on your first date, will have given pet names to all your fingers before the main course arrives.
CURVY Fat. Forget any silly notions of Marilyn Monroe's softly sensuous body. This girl is more pint glass than hourglass.
VOLUPTUOUS Fat and shows too much flesh in clothes two sizes too small for her.
BUBBLY Fat AND annoying. Tries to make up for her ample size by being the life and soul of the party and fails in all respects.
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His ad says he's attractive, sporty and 5ft 10in. That means he's ugly, 5ft 3in and plays snooker
CUDDLY Morbidly obese. A date would necessitate the removal of the roof and a whale sling. Cuddling is very unlikely, although squashing is a distinct possibility.
BBW Stands for 'big, beautiful woman'. Well, two out of three's not bad. She's certainly big and female. But it's doubtful many beholders will consider her beautiful.
SIZE 10 In Uzbekistan. On the UK High Street it's a completely different story.
FIERY Psychotic. Cancel a date with this girl and you'll come home to find your car has been keyed and all the sleeves have been cut off your shirts.
VIVACIOUS Aggressive. An opinionated finger-jabber. She's got views on everything and she's not afraid to ram them forcefully down your throat.
GREAT PERSONALITY Ugly as sin. If a woman is selling her personality, then her face looks good in a paper bag.
ARTISTIC Drama Queen. Welcome to a world of slamming doors, smashed crockery and huffy silences.
ATHLETIC AND TONED Flat chested and shapeless. A sexless, lumpless and bumpless Tomboy.
AGE 34 Age 43. There's more chance of winning the Lottery on a double rollover week than there is of being a woman over 35 and getting a date on the internet. It doesn't matter if the guy is 60, he'll still confine his searches to '35 and under', so any woman's age should be taken as a ball park figure.
PLAYFUL Hussy. Working her way through the internet site and it's your turn.
GIRLY Thick. Shallower than a mouse's foot bath. High School Musical is her idea of high brow. She can tell you the name of every character in TV teen drama Gossip Girl, but has no idea who the Prime Minister is.
LIVES LIFE TO THE FULL Alcoholic. Likes to start the day with a couple of Bacardi Breezers. Happy Hour is her favourite time of day.
I'M INTO WHIRLWIND ROMANCES My visa runs out in 10 days and if I don't get married I'll be deported.
CHALLENGING High-maintenance pain in the neck.
HOMELY Frump. You want to paint the town red and she'll want you to paint her living room beige. Brace yourself for a world of cup-a-soups and novelty toilet roll holders.
LOYAL Stalker. She'll have Googled you and looked you up on Friends Reunited before you even meet. Her brain cannot process the words: 'I don't think you're quite right for me.'
LIKES THE FINER THINGS IN LIFE Gold digger. Looking for a new wardrobe, jewellery and a few weekends away before she dumps you for a 25-year-old Adonis.
HONEST No social skills. The censorship button in her brain doesn't work. Says whatever comes into her head.
SENSITIVE Cry baby. Woe betide you if you don't notice she's had her hair cut or that she's wearing new shoelaces.
